


Desperate Measures

by wildwordwomyn



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anti-Depressant Medication, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-13
Updated: 2007-10-13
Packaged: 2017-10-09 13:12:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/87871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwordwomyn/pseuds/wildwordwomyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has a problem. Can Jared make it better?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperate Measures

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by caramel_maddy's "A Million Points Of Light". In this story there's lots of talk of depression and anti-depressants, but hope springs eternal in the end.

_I’m sorry, Jen. I understand what it must be like, feel like…_

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand at all_. _This is what Jensen thinks that night. It’s 2:22am and he’s wide awake. He has a full day ahead of him starting at 7. And the back of his eyelids are no more attractive than his cool blue cotton sheets. Instead he’s at his computer, playing Final Fantasy, wishing he didn’t have to deal with this anymore. This being his depression. This being the Prozac that has finally, after years of use, decided to declare immunity. No one except his manager even knows he’s on any kind of medication. Especially one for a mental illness. Luckily no one has ever found out. Jared, though. Jared is becoming nosier and nosier about his past, his present, his future. They aren’t sleeping together like everyone from God to his fan girls believes. They’re best friends. Okay, so maybe, just maybe, when he’s actually in a good mood and nothing hurts, he wants more. But he’s content with friendship, with brotherhood. And he tries to talk to Jared, to tell him things about himself that someone needs to know. He knows he can trust Jared. He’s just not sure Jared will ever completely get it.

_Look, Jen, you’re lucky. Don’t you know that? Damn lucky to look the way you do. How can you be ashamed or bitter? I mean if I was as beautiful as you I’d sell my picture on Ebay! Or at least try out for every freakin’ part in every freakin’ play **and** tv series **and** movie. Seriously, Jen, I want to understand but….._

He’s only been on Wellbutrin for a week, and his sleep cycle is for shit at the moment. It’ll take a while for the Prozac to work its way out of his system and for the Wellbutrin to work its way in. Until then he’ll be suffering from his customary depression, as well as insomnia, headaches, possible nausea and constipation. He hopes the side effects of either won’t be too bad. Should he break down and tell Jared, show him, exactly what it’s like, in case his behavior becomes erratic? He wonders and watches the computer clock turn to 3:07. He sighs. Sleep is still playing hide and seek, and he’s too tired to fight. He powers down his computer and lays in bed. Finally, after another hour of counting spots on the full moon outside his curtainless bay window, his eyelids droop. He’s not surprised in the least when he catches himself snoring softly.

_Talk to me, Jen. Please. You look like shit, okay? Tell me what’s going on. Tell me how I can help you._

The next day the makeup girls have to work extra hard to cover up the bags under his eyes. Jensen also has to work extra hard to cover up the sadness, the desperation. He is Dean Winchester, tough, solid, strong. He is not Jensen. Not anymore today. He can do it. He can. Doesn’t want to, but he will. He’s nothing if not a professional. And Jared leaves him alone, making it obvious he won’t push anymore for answers to questions Jensen doesn’t want to have to be asked. It pains him, though, every time he looks at Jensen, who barely smiles back. Jensen says he’s just tired. He doesn’t realize Jared knows him a little too well by now, knows he’s not just tired, knows something has stolen Jensen’s thunder and he wants it back. Jared waits. Jensen lets Jared wait. Both will make themselves ready this night. Both will have to.

_It’s like this haze is over everything. Like you’re living in a dream instead of real life…You know how when you’re drunk and you go to reach out for something? Feels close, close enough to touch, but your hands are actually miles away? That’s what every day is for me, Jay. I can’t touch stuff. People, places, things. Family. This job. Girlfriends. Even you. I try but I just can’t. So I take pills and some days when the pills are working, I can feel a little normal. Without the pills, there’s nothing but darkness, and believe me, you don’t ever wanna go there…It’s life, Jay. Has to be._

Doesn’t matter that he won’t burden Jared any more. Or that Jared still doesn’t really understand. And it really doesn’t matter that Jensen wants to handle things by himself. Jared asks every day if Jensen takes his “happy” pill. He gives him even more attention and affection than Jensen thought possible of any human being. He lavishes love on him. And soon, too soon for Jensen’s taste, he comes to rely on Jared’s need for him, on his smile, his very existence. Soon he finds himself falling more for the guy. Which makes his depression worse. But by the time he notices the new pill kicks in and he’s able to repress that particular desire. Of course, he doesn’t count on Jared being Jared. Who, one morning, when Jensen is barely awake and as yet caffeine-free, comes over to his house, lets himself in with a spare key, and proceeds to crawl into his bed with him. When Jensen wakes up it is to Jared’s chest cradling his cheek. For the first time in his life he feels safe, warm, loved. He feels like he just might be enough all by himself. And he feels like maybe Jared isn’t there to bask in his beauty. That Jared might be pulling him closer, pulling him into a shockingly sensual kiss, simply because of who Jensen is on the inside. For the first time in his life Jensen thinks he won’t always just pass the time between seconds as if they’ll always be insignificant, that he may be able to eventually, actually, get better…


End file.
